Annoyed.

I spent last quarter in a living hell. 

Commutative algbera, as you no doubt have heard me mention, consumed my entire life.  I spent countless hours [actually, somewhere around 135 hours.  15 times 9 is a good estimate, though 15 hours a week is somewhat of an underestimate.] doing the homework and studying for this class.  I legit enjoyed some of the topics, but there was just *so much* that it was difficult to remember it all.

Regardless, during the final, my meds didn’t work [well.  after taking them.] and so I panicked for the first 30 minutes of the test.  I got up and walked around the halls a bit to calm down.  Everything was just really blurry and I thought I was going to pass out.  Have a heart attack.  etc.  Just read any panic attack account, you’ll get the gist.

Anyhow, after a while, I sat down and was determined to finish the test.  My meds started to kick in and I began to feel a bit better, but I still tasted blood, kept thinking my nose was bleeding, and thought my heart would rip out of my chest.

Despite this, I finished the exam and handed it in.  In retrospect, the questions were easy and I honestly thought I got all of them.

Now, I almost never look at my grades, but my good math buddy brk told me that she’d gotten an A, and we were doing about even.  So I figured, hey, B+ at worst.

Then I looked at my grades and saw that I had gotten a D.

Literally, my lowest grade ever.  On a class that I spent an entire quarter avoiding social interactions, endangering my mental health, and pulling more all-nighters than I can remember at this point.

What happened?  I bombed the final.

My final answers were totally off the mark, according to the prof, and maybe they were.  I don’t remember exactly what I put.  Regardless, the final was 60% of the grade.  So, getting 10% of the total grade on the final gives me a max of 50% in the class.  Hence the D.

I’m kind of upset, because this essentially ruins my chance of getting into any medium-level graduate school.  And I didn’t even get into any medium-level graduate school when I didn’t have a D on my transcript.

It’s just bothersome, because the class was so heavy on the homework, and yet so much of the grade was based on the final.  This is how many of my classes turn out.  I get an average grade not because of the homeworks or the midterm, but I completely bomb the final. 

Maybe I’m not made out for graduate school, where homework is minimal and the test is everything.  It’s kind of unfair to make mathematics a subject where one can only become good at it if they aren’t terrible test takers.

And at this point, I have to step back and say that I honestly didn’t feel before that people were good or bad test takers — you either know it or you don’t.  Of course, this depends on if the test taker can focus on the test when it is presented to him. 

I know I work better when there’s no stress attached to the assignment.  But I’m sure a lot of other kids are in exactly the same boat, and they did just fine on the final.  Which begs the question: do I really know the material?  Or do I just think I do? 

I’m not sure, but, of course, the latter is more dangerous than the former in mathematics.  Regardless, as Ohio has yet to get back to me, I feel like I’m going to be spending a year doing absolutely nothing but working and wishing I were taking classes, and then begging graduate schools to take me on.