There’s nothing like productivity.

So, now, I’m posting from the windows live writer beta.  I’ve been fooling around with my blackberry a lot, and I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do with my life.

Oh, right, math.

Well, right now, math is killing me and I don’t even want to think about it because I’m so stressed out about it right now.  It makes my neck tingle and it makes my tongue taste blood.  Ew, right?  Oh,

So.  This week was exceptionally strange for me.  For whatever reason (and sorry for saying this, since I know any readers will begin doing it after I say it,) I couldn’t stop manually breathing.  Every minute of the day, I had to remember to breathe in and breathe out, and I kept gasping because I kept getting it wrong.  I kept trying to hold my breath and think of other things — I figured my body would just readjust, but it didn’t.

So, what did I do?  I just waited it out.  I couldn’t sleep for two nights because I kept waking up gasping and scary stuff like that, so I basically said on the second day that I was tired of this shit: I took a whole 1mg of Ativan [which is 4x more than I usually take.  I don’t need very might.] and that didn’t work so well, so I took an atenolol.  That worked a little better, but I was still thinking about it, so I started to just drink.  I mixed 2 parts vodka with 1 part lemon juice and a bunch of sugar, and it was a really great “russian lemonade”, I guess.  If that’s the name for it.  It probably isn’t, but I like it.

So, anyway, now I’m sort of worried because I’m really not that good at math.  No, that’s not me being, you know, down on myself — I find myself actually not being able to do problems and not being able to remember theorems and things that I used to be able to.  It might be because I really don’t care too much about the topics we’re doing, but I have no idea.  Regardless, these past two quarters have just made me want to die.  Discrete math was a big waste of time, Logic was horrible and I hated it, Rep theory was the biggest waste of time ever: usually after failing horribly at a class, I want to learn it just to prove to myself that I can, but that class ruined representations for me.  This quarter, algorithms is “okay” fun, but it’s nothing amazing, and I have a feeling I’ll do horribly on the final and fail even though I’ve done okay in the class.  I’m actually getting really tired of this habit of doing okay in the class, and then doing terrible on the midterm and final and then averaging a low B or something in the class.  Homework essentially counts for nothing, but I‘ve completely sacrificed my social life and mental health for it.  So, needless to say, I’m sort of pissed at the “system”. 

Oh, but I’m also in functional.  Nominally, I guess.  Because I’ve gone, I think, a total of 3 times, and once was the first class, once was for the midterm, and once was that one day where I stayed up all night and couldn’t get out of the room after turning in my homework, because the teacher came in.  I hate.  hate.  hate.  hate that class.  And it bothers me more, because I don’t even know what to expect on the tests: the midterm included definitions and some random-ass problems that I wasn’t really prepared for.  My bad.  But I’d much rather fail than sit through it.  That must say something about me.

Commutative Algebra.  I spent 17+ hours last week on the homework.  This class literally takes up all of my time.  I sometimes don’t go to other classes because I’m too tired from doing work in this class.

I don’t know if it’s worth it.  I mean, it’s hard, but are commutative rings really that important?  I don’t know why I think the topic is so cool, but it definitely is.  This will probably be one of the two classes that kicked my ass, but that I loved.

But, that being said: who am I hanging out with?  Jon, Anna…and that’s about it.  I don’t go out anymore; just to starbucks.  It’s too cold.  I kind of miss having a whole bunch of friends, but if I did now, I’d probably have to ditch them all the time for commutative algebra anyway. 

I haven’t gotten into any grad schools yet.  If I don’t, I don’t care.  I think I need some time off of math.

I broke the key off in my bike.  You’d think that someone who’s so into locks wouldn’t do that, right?  But, I did.  But I need my bike.  So, I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do.  I guess, tomorrow, I’ll just dremel off the lock and figure out some other kind of locking deal. 

Spring quarter is coming up.  March 8th is when the days get long again.  According to the weather reports, it’s going to be in the 40’s around then, but rainy. 

I’m sort of glad I got my anxious week out of the way now.  It usually falls on finals week.  So maybe I’ll be fine then. 

I don’t know what I’m gonna do.  Maybe I’ll have a fling in spring.  Maybe I’ll brawl in fall.  Maybe summer’ll be a bummer.

r-r-r-right.