i am up too late every night. why is this happening?
oh. ’cause i woke up at 1 today.
oh. ’cause i got every episode of futurama.
tomorrow, I need to pick a topic for my paper. whoo. and then go to sbux. whoo. and then. uh. and then go home, I guess. whoo. no city. maybe. maybe city.
This is really strange, and I’m only mentioning it because it happened two days in a row. It’s probably nothing to worry about, but I can’t think of a thing that would have triggered it.
Lately, I’ve been having these extremely vivid nightmares. They actually all involved my dog, Rosie. One was outside, I think, and the other two were either in my house [with a pool where my room should be.] or in a house that looks like my old friend Will’s house. Either way, they’re both pitch black and the power is off. And they both deal with me flipping switches until I realize that, and then get scared and sit down in some place that has a window near it, and wrap myself in a robe. The one outside was just strange, and I won’t describe it.
The point, today, is: in the afternoon [around 3?] I began to feel sort of sick and anxious, so I took a sedative. So. I got really tired and medicated. Around 4, I fell asleep. At that point, I had another nightmare, but it was long and really, very vivid. It was probably the worst nightmare I’ve ever, ever had. And this was only a couple of hours ago, so I don’t want to describe it until later when I’m calmer. But I woke up at, I think — and I actually don’t know if this is the right time, but around 5 or 6. Maybe 5. Maybe it was only like, 4:30. I’m not sure. But it was at some point, and I began to panic. And I was like, “jez, that was scary. AH!, LIFE.” and so I shakily went over to the drugs I have and took my atenolol. After 5 – 10 minuts, I was okay. I sat down and tried to chat a bit online. I started to feel really tired. So, I went to sleep.
I just woke up now. From another nightmare with a pool in my room. This one, for some reason, had me swimming and had a gay boy hitting on me in the dark. And I was really young, I guess, or as soon as I went downstairs I was. Around like, 9 or 10. And then I sat down by my dog and podded in my robe as tightly as I could. For some reason, I worried that my mother was walking around and that she’d get stabbed, so I wanted to tell her, but I felt silly podding up in a robe for no reason, and I was scared she’d make me stop. But vivid images passed into my dream [and consequently, my...] head, and I woke up with my eyes wide and my entire body wrapped in two or three of my bedding-comforters.
Maybe it’s the salsa.
I don’t know what it is, but whenever I have something important to do some day, I always get a stomach ache right before it.
And I hate taking the train for long periods of time.
Consequently, I couldn’t go to the Dyke March. I’m pret upset.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to stay home, but ALL of my friends went. And it’s tough enough to see my friends as it is, really. So, it’s just kind of disappointing. But, the pride parade is tomorrow, so, I might see them at that, if I don’t die first.
I’m beginning [middle, and ending] to think that these stomach aches are stress related. I mean, I still have this one now, and it’s like having a cramp in my entire lower abdomen. It’s really painful and I can’t do crap about it. I took those pills that are suppost’a make it feel better, and they really don’t.
What did I eat yesterday? Nothing, really. I had a hot dog. Maybe that was it? Or Starbucks? Blueberry Muffin piece? Uh. Whatelse. Dove Chocolate thing? Uhm. I don’t really know, it could’a been anything or none of those. It’s just really irritating.
I really need some xanax. I’m tired of sedatives.
Just a quick note: Why do I do this to myself? It’s 2:15, and I need to be up in 5 hours and 45 minutes.
When will I learn to SLEEP!
Ugh.
Oh well. Today, breaded chicken + cream of mushroom soup + some potadioes from dana + salsa that I made + chips that I didn’t. I wonder what I’ll make tomorrow.
Oh. Right. Frozen Pizza.
Okay, and something weird: I don’t know what’s the deal, but all of a sudden, I can tolerate more lactose than ever. Weird. Weird. I’ll fill you in later.
Okay. First and foremost, this will be the first post I make from my new, improved, awesome internet connection. It’s pretty fast [6mbs] and it’s, for all intents and purposes, free for now. I haven’t paid a dime to comcast. It’s really kind of creeping me out. I mean, when’s it gonna get shut off? I don’t know, but I’m milking it for all it’s work.
I’ve yet to buy a bike, but I’ve actually got an AC now. I put it in my window, half-in-half-out and tried to make it work. I mean, I know a professional is suppost’a install it, but I figured, “hey, what is he gonna do that I can’t do myself?” So, consequently, when I turned it on and let it sit for a while, it created a puddle of water the likes of which would turn pioneers back to Independence on the oregon trail. I didn’t put it out far enough. But when I tried, it started to tip. I said, “Maybe you’re just missing something here. Better get a professional to do this.” But, I dunno. I hate going to Mac Property Management. Maybe I won’t need to be home for the install. That would be nice.
So what is it that I actually need to do now, besides math?
So, really, not much to do. It’s a lazy day, and I’m gonna make chicken breast something and salsa, also. So I’ll tell you how that turns out. Later, Blog.
There’s almost no one inside of the Reg today. I wonder why.
I’m getting my internet tomorrow, and my desk Tuesday, hopefully. That means I’ll have no need to come to the reg and blog on my laptop. Honestly, I’m upset about this. I feel that, in the small amount of time that I’ve been here, the reg and I really shared something. Something intimate.
Here are the things that I’ve done so far:
But, now, you know, I don’t know what to do. The REU starts tomorrow, and I’m gonna be Math-ing it up. I guess, really, that’s when life starts again. I’m gonna haft’a start doing math and start reading again.
Also, where the hell has everyone been? I haven’t seen one bit of pret much anyone I said I’d see. Really. I’ll haft’a do something about this!
Later, though. I’m tired now.
Okay. I feel a lot better today. I must’a just been nervous and things days before. But I still want some drugs to make me work better.
Regardless, I went to go get a futon yesterday. Just a futon. For $30. I walked out with the futon, a bookshelf and three chairs. For that same $30. I got so lucky.
Now, what do I need? I’m gonna get like, idunno, a little table and then the second half of my desk, I think. I don’t know what else I need. When I can shop from home, I’ll check more stuff out.
Yeah. Short post. I’m off to work out, and tomorrow is swimming!
Dear Diary,
I’m in the reg now. Really, I’ve lasted a while without constant internet connection. It’s a lot easier than I thought. I mean, I used to just sit in my room day-in-day-out on the internet, crying to myself that I never got out and did things. Well, now I’m doing things! Well. Thing.
After this, I’m going to the Henry Crown sport centre thing to do some biking, and then maybe I’ll do some other stuff too. I dunno. Maybe wall-ball? I really have no idea.
The more I read about people like, you know, going across the country and being all indie and awesome and cool, it makes me want to do the same thing. But every time I think about it, it just sort of makes me upset. I just go, “Oh, man, Jimmy. You think you’re bored now without internet all the time? Try internet NEVER. Try sitting in a little apartment where the rent’s two months late and just play your guitar as loud as you want because, you know, fuck everyone else, they aren’t you! Really. Your songs are the most meaningful songs, you know, because you keep it real.” and then I just sort of think, “Ugh, that sounds like a really annoying time.”
It wouldn’t matter if I were rich, I hate spending other people’s money. I feel so guilty. Anything that isn’t mine, I feel like I’m crawling slowly into a pit of debt that I have to repay quickly. But I dunno if I’mma even have a job that pays that much that quickly! You know the rat man? Where he had to pay back that guy even though he knew it wasn’t really comin’ to him? You know? I dunno, I just feel like I hate sucking on that golden teat. If I were poor, I’d be upset, too, ’cause to have is better than to have not, right? Is that how it works here? But really.
I’m upset about my apartment now, but I’m positive that I’ll perk up about it during school. I mean, lot’sa people have apartments here that are awesome and fun and great and things, but if I were in one of those, I’d never get any work done. I’d just always be talking to someone else. Living with Jon was fun, but whenever we started talking, my productivity plummeted — now, I literally can’t do anything but be by myself.
I was also kind of happy because, you know, among other things, loneliness really heightens creativity. I think that I can really get back into a lot of the writing and singing et everything that I was into before by being lonelier. Maybe that’s my secret plan.
Lastly, I think I may have agoraphobia. Or at least some kind of paranoia. So, I’m going to go try and find a Dr who does something with those kinds of people. I’d really like it if I weren’t so scared to go to the city sometimes, and I’d really like it if I wasn’t so uncomfortable when I’m over other people’s houses.
I really just want to be warm yellow light that pours over everyone I love.
Dear Diary, you are never going to believe this:
So, I finally went to the Henry Crown Sports Whatever with the intention of hitting a ball against a wall. Squash balls, though, are small and black and look a lot like a little hunk of coal. And they bounce about the same as a little hunk of coal would. So, I got tired of playing by myself real quick. So, I walked out.
Now, Diary, I don’t think I have to tell you that I’m concerned about the health of my heart. And when I saw a sign that said “Cardio Workout”, I nearly had a heart attack! It was perfect. So, I got on a bike and biked 11 miles. Eleven, diary! Eleven. I burned like, I dunno, 100ish calories, and I felt good afterwards. And it only took like, 30 minutes. Really. This is the beginning of a beautiful gym-related romance.
Don’t be jealous, Diary. We’ll always be friends. Great friends. But just friends.
I feel like a homeless man with a home.
I have to go into the library to use the internet — torture! torture.
It’s really strange, but it does feel like an addiction. Every time I got bored in my apartment, I double-clicked my mailbox or my foxfire. I then realized that I couldn’t go online and I just got mad. And I stormed around my apartment a bit, and then when I was tired, I sat back down — and tried to go on the internet again.
I’d really like to fill my day with taking showers. Showers take like, you know, 20 – 30 minutes if you do them right, but they take up about 40 if you count picking out clothes and drying yourself off and all of that. So, if you take 4 showers, that’s 160 minutes — and that’s 2 hours and 40 minutes. Stretch it out a bit longer, and it’s 3 full hours. Three hours.
What’re you gonna do for the next three hours, Jimmy? Oh, you know. This and that.
My apartment is lonely. Beautiful, but lonely. I love it. I just wish it were closer to campus. Or closer to anything, really.
One thing that annoys me is that I never know how loud I can be in any particular place I live. Like. I can’t hear anyone else, but is it because the walls are good, or is it because they’re quiet? Does the guitar or cello carry over better than a TV or boombox? Who lives next to me? etc, etc. I wouldn’t mind if there were students living there, because, you know, screw them. But these are mostly adults living here, who’ve had 9-5 jobs, probably, for at least 10 years of their lives. They don’t want some random kid playing cello and irritating them — they’ve got enough to worry about.
But on the other hand, screw them. I’m paying for my apartment. Screw you.
prediction: this will be the lonliest summer ever.
[but wait, last summer, 95% of the time no one was living with you, Jimmy!]
Right. Right. So.
prediction: this will be the second lonliest summer ever, and, for some reason, worse than the first.
oh. right. okay, so, on another note, my workstudy is messed up? bad part: i might not get to work. good part: i might not get to work. I might just work for free or something anyhow. I really do like working there, it makes me feel like I’m somehow more important than I actually am. and what the hell am I doing now? nothing. I’m just so. so. so. so lazy.
okay, enough library. i need to go outside and stop internetting around.
